The Years I Spent Stuck On Bull's Horns

Article:Feng Jiao Qiu / Picture:Zhong Shen Tu  2017-01-18


  Looking up at the sky was something I did every day as a child. Small dogs, ducks, and ants were my best friends. Using a duck for a pillow, listening to ducks quack, squatting next to the river, using bamboo leaves as bridges for ants to cross the sounds like a happy childhood, but it wasn't. Ever since I was able to understand the world around me, I refused to interact with humans, thinking they were despicable creatures. If I ever had something on my mind or faced obstacles, I would only ever talk to the idol of the Buddha on the table, or bury my issues deep in my heart. I was a closed person.
  When I was 25, I helped a preschool director by loaning him a hundred thousand Taiwanese dollars for turnover, but got suffering in return. He didn't give my money back, and the business failed, so he offered me his preschool that was based on a rented house. At that time, I was pregnant and my due date was close. I was in no condition to take care of a preschool. I felt like my soul had left my body. I was reluctant, but chose to focus on being a businesswoman and forget the misery the director had put me through. Although it was my choice, I felt unsatisfied. Because I had no better choice, I agreed to take care of the preschool and become the director. The hardest part was that when the preschoolers graduated, I had to face two or three hundred people onstage to give a speech; furthermore, I had to face new parents and work hard to promote the preschool. This, to me, was very difficult. However, my closed personality was not changed by my interactions. Instead, I dove deeper into myself and closed myself off. Other than managing the preschool, I refused to talk to anyone. I spent every day spinning like a top. This went on for three years before I fell ill from exhaustion. Every Sunday (when I finally had leisure time), my stomach felt sick. I had to go to the hospital to get an IV. In addition, my husband was lazy and relied on me completely. He worked jobs on and off, and I had to pay the mortgage for my house in Tianmu. Good thing my two children were sent from heaven to help me. I had no time to spend with them, but they never argued or fought. I felt like I owed them.
  To prevent my aging parents from worrying, I pretended like I was in a happy marriage. I swallowed my misery, and many days of grief accumulated inside me. In addition, the layers of chains I locked around my heart and my increasingly negative thoughts led me to find myself twisted around bull's horns with no way out. At that time, I had no idea I was hurting myself.
  Finally, after years of being stuck, I had the opportunity to join Tai Ji Men. From then on, my luck changed. Shifu gave me guidance and shared his wisdom, especially telling me to improve my temper. When I looked back on the past 40 years, I realized that all my misery was brought onto myself. I was hiding in the bull's horns myself. In Tai Ji Men, I was exposed to light and warmth. Besides practicing qigong and nourishing myself, my luck gradually changed. Now I'm not locked inside bull's horns anymore.
  I am grateful for Shifu and the second chance I got to live my life. Now I understand how to love myself. Through changing my temper, I freed my own heart. One must turn the negative into positive. One year on New Year's morning, I walked on the street and looked at the pedestrians. I realized that it actually wasn't hard to interact with other humans; they were also cute (like animals), weren't they? I realized that I loved interacting with animals in my childhood mostly because their lack of speech meant that we couldn't have any disagreements. Now I understood that interacting with people gives me many learning opportunities, especially with Tai Ji Men brothers and sisters, who warm my cold heart. From then on, I was even more grateful for Shifu and for brothers and sisters for providing me with their wisdom. Now I love interacting with people and sharing my happiness with them. I will never be stuck on bull's horns again, because I know now to let things go and think positively.